Should I Cut the Tie with my Past Completely?


The incident during my visit to my hometown has been keeping me in furious day and night.  The events, starting from my childhood, have been playing across my brain again and again.  The evil words to press me down, the evil behaviors to destroy my self esteems were once more back to me.

I have overcome a great amount of obstacles and passed a very long rough road before I gained a truly enjoyable life.  Then again my so called “family” was taking the words from the person who hurt me so badly in the past to let me obey with those evil surroundings.  My past silence must have given them an impression that my current life was due to their effective “education” in my childhood.  They have never realized the hurt they caused on me, and they are still applying the same methods to treat me based on others’ opinions.

It has reached beyond my boundary of forgiveness!

My emerging from darkest period was due to my own capability, my choice and my courage, there is nothing to do with the “family” environment they created around me and my sisters.  I will never thank them for anything I currently have.

Years ago I told myself that soon after I realized what or who was causing unhappiness to me I should cut it off from my life immediately.  Right now I am feeling the wounds from my past is teared open and the striking blood is coming out.  Regardless how many unhappiness I have gotten rid of before, the agony from my abusive “family” is actually biggest hurtful element!

I, as many other Chinese, has been manipulated by so called Confucian philosophy, filial piety, which is considered as a virtue of respect for one’s parents, regardless what one’s parents did on them.  But the darkness in my memory has been discouraging me to pay any respect, show any love or exert any responsibilities on them – my own parents!

I, a proud American, am finally drifting away from such an ignorant concept of “filial piety” to face the wound and blood.  I can feel the wound and fresh blood torturing my heart, and impacting my daily spirits in a negative way.

Then I am close to another big choice – should I cut the tie with my past completely?

10 thoughts on “Should I Cut the Tie with my Past Completely?

  1. Most of us have issues stemming from our past. You must strive to forgive and learn from those experiences and move on. To dwell on the past means that your are not growing and moving forward. It inhibits your ability to savor the current moments and robbing you of being able to anticipate the future with true joy! Forgive and learn! Don’t let the past control your life here and in the future….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh Yan, I feel your grief. I believe that things from the past come up in our hearts and lives so we may erase the hurt they have caused us and feel only love. Regardless of how they have treated you – and they have treated you the way they have because thats how they were brought up – and by cutting all ties you would cut off part of yourself. What you have done is brave. You have stood up for yourself, you have told them, I will not accept nor tolerate this kind of behaviour. In my opinion, you could continue to state that. Explain in detail that you wish to be treated with respect, and detail the behaviours you will not tolerate from anyone.

    then its their choice. How much do they love you? Enough to respect you? give them the chance. Then its their choice – whether they are your family, work colleagues, or perfect strangers – to have you in their lives or not. Make it about the behaviour, not the people.

    I told one of my colleagues about your previous post and when I went to find it to show her, it had gone! Did you take it down?

    Many of us grew up with difficulties. In my opinion, we can ‘break the chain’ by not bringing up our children in the same stifling way. I’m sure you’ve done that already.

    By focusing on behaviour and not the person, then you wont need to be tortured every day. Maybe you are still harbouring some ‘guilt’ about the attitude to your parents, that gives you this feeling …. but you should not feel guilty for standing up for your rights. you should feel proud.

    I hope these words have been helpful. thank you for your bravery in sharing such personal things.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi, Debbie, thanks for the kind words! Here is the link to my previous post:

      In my case, damages might have already exceeded beyond my bottom line. My parents, especially my father, have been tried so hard to control my life by pressing me down. By the end they even brought another similar soul – my ex into the family. They ignored the hurt that man caused to me and them as well. I talked with my husband last night about my struggle, he thought that kind of behavior should not be tolerated! He showed his support on whatever I determined to do.

      As I said before, I will be more than happy to share my experience with your colleagues. So feel free to let her contact with me.


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Yan – yes, I hear you. Some things are just so bad that you reach a point of no return. If that is what you have to do for the safety and sanity of YOUR family – you, your daughter, and your husband – well, that’s what you’ve got to do! The blogging world is odd in a way – we share our inner most thoughts and ask advices and discuss intimate matters with people we’ve never met – yet I think it’s a great world, I have met so many great people via blogging, since I started last year. Thanks for the link, I’ll send it on to my friend. I really appreciate your generosity in this. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Good morning, Yan. So sad to hear your story. In my opinion, at this point, either way, cutting the tie or not, is ok. Just trust yourself and do what you have to do. You are a lovely lady. You deserve a good life. Wish we can have coffee together one of these days.
    Have a good day.


  4. First of all you need to know the rules of the law。 Second, be sure all children could understand why you do, because kids really easy to copy their parents ‘ behavior.

    Sorry about my poor English. I have the same problem with yours.


  5. It has been almost 4 years since the last time I had contacts with my family, especially my parents. Even with various communication tools nowadays, we have not been connecting with each other.

    I often asked myself, “do I miss them?” “do I ever had any desires from bottom my heart to make a peace with them?” “Can I forgive all those painful experience they got me in?” The answers to those questions are all “NO, NO, NO!”

    In contrast, those sad memories and stories are still stacked in my mind and striking me very often.

    As a result I would have to keep them out of my and my children’s life forever!

    The End!


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