The incident during my visit to my hometown has been keeping me in furious day and night. The events, starting from my childhood, have been playing across my brain again and again. The evil words to press me down, the evil behaviors to destroy my self esteems were once more back to me.
I have overcome a great amount of obstacles and passed a very long rough road before I gained a truly enjoyable life. Then again my so called “family” was taking the words from the person who hurt me so badly in the past to let me obey with those evil surroundings. My past silence must have given them an impression that my current life was due to their effective “education” in my childhood. They have never realized the hurt they caused on me, and they are still applying the same methods to treat me based on others’ opinions.
It has reached beyond my boundary of forgiveness!
My emerging from darkest period was due to my own capability, my choice and my courage, there is nothing to do with the “family” environment they created around me and my sisters. I will never thank them for anything I currently have.
Years ago I told myself that soon after I realized what or who was causing unhappiness to me I should cut it off from my life immediately. Right now I am feeling the wounds from my past is teared open and the striking blood is coming out. Regardless how many unhappiness I have gotten rid of before, the agony from my abusive “family” is actually biggest hurtful element!
I, as many other Chinese, has been manipulated by so called Confucian philosophy, filial piety, which is considered as a virtue of respect for one’s parents, regardless what one’s parents did on them. But the darkness in my memory has been discouraging me to pay any respect, show any love or exert any responsibilities on them – my own parents!
I, a proud American, am finally drifting away from such an ignorant concept of “filial piety” to face the wound and blood. I can feel the wound and fresh blood torturing my heart, and impacting my daily spirits in a negative way.
Then I am close to another big choice – should I cut the tie with my past completely?