My answer is a big “NO”!
Once a while I heard or read that we should forgive or even appreciate those who hurt us. The reasons can be listed as following:
those who hurt us actually horned our mind; those who stumbled us actually strengthened our legs; those who deceived us actually enhanced our wisdoms; those who humiliated us actually awakened our self-esteem; those who abandoned us actually taught us independence.
But more than likely the persons, who stand out to express their “forgiveness” or “appreciation” to those who used to create agonies on them, are big winners in their societies. More than likely their goal is to show their lenient attitude or to highlight their social status to those who once knocked them down to the ground.
Beneath ostensible “forgiveness” or “appreciation” are a wounded heart and soul, which will never completely heal!
I still clearly remember my parents, especially my father, created countless physical or mental abuses during my childhood. They enjoyed belittling me whenever they wanted, many times in front of others. They tried so hard to convince me that I was never good in anything, including physical appearance (once my father told me I was ugly). Even though once a while I did something I was proud of, they were very talented to bring me down several notches to make me think what I did was nothing.
They never communicated with me in anyway, just pressed the commands onto me however they wanted. Under such a environment, I formed extremely low self – esteem without any communication skills, and for some time I was struggling in the state of deep depression. I seriously thought that I couldn’t accomplish anything in my life since I was such a useless being.
Growing up as self – abased, I had a hard time in college and early career since I couldn’t express myself in a proper way, either silence or fury. The unusual personality prevented me from building relationship in career or family life. I felt extremely lonely or pain even with somebody else around, partially because I didn’t know how to connect with others. Meanwhile I couldn’t defend myself against the bullies or gossips, then people thought that all those bullies or gossips were OK or true since I had never said NO to them.
December 1993 marked the lowest valley in my life and a turning point at the same time. Under a kind help of the then friend (the only friend of mine at that time) I could emerge from the darkest era and landed at North America.
The journey over last 22 years gave me a chance to re – build my life from ground zero. The initial goal was to live beautifully, not only physically but mentally. After 22 years I reached to the lifestyle I have been dreaming and pursuing.
If I ask myself right now whether I should forgive my parents and the people who hurt me years ago, I can hear my inner voice screaming loudly “NO”. I can still feel the pain and smell the burn from those wounds, which will accompany me through the rest of my life. Even though the attitudes towards me from the people at my hometown have changed in a completely opposite direction, I am condemning them in a very deep way and keeping them out of my life and my kids’ life as well.
I have shown my very best image and my most beautiful smile to them, not because I forgive them but because I want them to see that I have a much better life, compared with theirs. All those evil words coming out of their months have been proven to be nonsenses. All cold water poured on me years ago has been boiled to 100 degree, right now I am pouring back onto their heads.
I have never believed that those verbal negativities or physical abusive behaviors created any positive encouragements even though the givers might have indicated “for the sake of your benefit”. The force to turn the hurts into motivation was from my own inner strength. The givers of hurts have never cared about my growth. The reasons behind I have been thriving are my reactions and my choices!
Related post: Emerging from the Darkest Shade